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You Can't Have My Money!

If you are a business and expect to be taken seriously on the Internet, you need to shape up and project a professional image.

Please don't think this is a request. This is a demand from the Ritalin-popping-immediate gratification-generation surfing the net (aka 95% of your potential customers).

I want to give you my money…
I want your products…
I want to trust you…
but, I'm afraid that is impossible now that I have seen your website.

Flashing sunshine and rainbows are pretty. As a matter of fact some of my most pleasant childhood memories involve sunshine and rainbows. Also, multi-colored colored text exclaiming "Welcome to my HoMe PaGe on the world-wide internetz!" makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Will you be my friend?
No, scratch that, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, but somehow I'll get through this. "GULP"

I have put the sunshine and rainbows behind me and just as I am about to send my payment to you at “”, I think… Can I trust someone who uses an email address like that for their business transactions? Sure, my email address may be "EatinBaconNaked@whatever" but I am the customer, I can do that. Please for the love of all that is holy, just get an email address appropriate for business that is separate from your personal email.

And those animated icons that you send in your email, you know, the ones that make Outlook crash like it's coming down off a Pop-tart induced sugar high? Yeah those, keep em' coming.

Oh, and since I am your customer now, you have my permission to include me on your CC list of “friends” because I want to be in your life. OMG PONIES!!! ARE SOOOOOOOOO CUTE!!! ROFL.

While I'm on the subject, please learn the English language. I can't seem to find a "Childish - to - English" translator on the web. So, for the remainder of our business transaction I am going to have to ask you to speak and write a language with actual words. Sure, I “LOL” all the time but really, when is the last time you seen anyone “ROFL” or “ROFLMAO”. Certainly, I would never “LMAO” when talking to one of my customers, but maybe I am just getting old…
BRB, I have to TMGARTF (Take my Geritol and read the funnies).

By the way, I enjoyed listening to the midi background music while I was browsing your website. Nothing gives me more confidence in you as a respectable business than an endlessly looping midi version of Metallica’s Enter Sandman.

FYI: Midis were cool for about three days in early 1994, and you missed the boat.

You should also know, some of the pages on your website won't load in my browser. Is it possible that those pages don't exist? Wait, what does that little sign say... "Please Excuse The Mess, This Website is Under Construction". Don't worry, I won't mind the mess while your website is eternally under construction, I live in Michigan, I'm used to construction. I am also used to reading "Comic Sans" font in 48 pt type on an endlessly repeating 220 KB JPG background of clouds. That's just what we do for fun here in Michigan in the two weeks every year when there are no beer tents to be found. We throw a little “Dom Casual” on some animated shooting stars when we want to mix it up a bit.

I remember how proud I was in explaining to girls how Netscape 3 was the first to support frames and how it was clearly superior to Internet Explorer. I died a little bit on the inside today when I somehow managed to find your website ...and yes I was a lonely nerd, shut up.

FYI: Frames are generally considered a bad idea for more than a few reasons.
Accessibility - Frames are a nightmare for screen readers used by the visually impaired; however I suspect in the case of your website, they are the fortunate ones.
Search Engine Indexing - Search engines will want to index your pages that actually have text content, however, because of the frameset, your content pages probably don't have any navigation links, thereby leading unlucky visitors in to sub-pages with no navigation.

Ah, but I forgot... you're the “professional”. Let’s just make a flash intro page with a huge animation with little or no relevancy to your industry and a big link that says "CLICK HERE TO ENTER". I guess that just fixes everything now doesn't it? Better yet, why don't you skip the enter link so we have to sit through your entire flash intro, that's how to really impress your customers. Now, tell me, why doesn't your website show up in the search engines? Must be some kind of conspiracy, yeah…

Is something following my cursor or is it my inner ninja just anticipating it's every move? Scary.
I know there is a ninja/pirate joke in there somewhere but I'm too distracted by all the pretty colors.

Yes! I would like to set your website as my home page, thanks for reminding me! And, I would "Send this page to a Friend", but all my friends are IRL (in real life).

Now, what was it you were selling?
Oh, I see, you're a web developer. Well, isn't everyone?

No, it's all right, I'm not crying. I'm just allergic to Geocities.

About the Author:

The author works full time in graphic design and Web Development for For a free no obligation Web Development Quote, visit - This article may be freely distributed if this resource box stays attached.

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