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I Slept with Him - Now He's Distant. What Did I do Wrong?

Dear Becca:

I have been dating a guy. The other day we slept together - and now he is standoffish. He told me that he needs some space, because he has a problem in his life that he has to iron out right now. I'm not sure what I should do next. Can you help?

Sincerely, 'Bewildered'


Dear Bewildered:

You are facing a commonplace dilemma. However, the reasons for this type of situation are not always the same. I will give you some points to consider - and perhaps they will help you to unravel the mystery.

Is your relationship long-term, or have you known the guy for just a few days?

Religious convictions, cultural biases, and upbringing affect everyone to varying degrees. We generally consider ourselves a liberated society - but these childhood roots go deep. Perhaps your date feels remorse and guilt. He may even consider you immoral.

Did your lovemaking go well? Were you both happy with your time in bed - or did it feel awkward in any way? Do you have a deep-rooted suspicion that something serious happened during this time?

You and your partner are the only two people who can answer these questions.

Carefully recall every detail and try to zero in on the exact moment you noticed a change in his behavior. Now mentally review the immediately preceding events. Can you remember anything specific?

Did you infer by words or actions that you expect some kind of a commitment now that your relationship has progressed to the next level?

Has your partner had other relationships with similar problems? For the answer to this question, you need to have an open discussion with him. A similar past may indicate that he is a man who feels trapped by close emotional ties.

Then there is the type of guy who enjoys chasing a woman until he catches her. Once the relationship is consummated, the euphoria of conquest dwindles and he quickly loses interest.

On the plus side: perhaps none of the above applies - and he is actually falling in love with you. He may be experiencing panic due to a fear of rejection. Once you commit to someone, your heart becomes vulnerable and easily hurt.

After you consider all of the above thoughts very carefully, you may realize that you have a reasonably good idea of when and where your problem occurred. Try to allow reason to rule over passion, then make some logical decisions based on what you know, not what you feel.

Attempt to get more feedback from him by meeting for a frank discussion. Sure, most guys don't like to talk - but use your feminine wiles or whatever else you have in your arsenal to make him comfortable before you broach the topic.

As liberated as we are supposed to be nowadays, talking about sex and relationships can make many people blush. Forget the embarrassment and forge ahead - your relationship is at stake.

Once your meeting with him is over, determine what happens next. Do you think there is anything worth salvaging? Or should you resolve to move on?

Good luck with this difficult situation!


All advice given by Becca is for entertainment purposes only. Please seek professional help for serious problems.

About the Author: Becca writes regularly for Advice 4 Daters - and is one of the people behind the scenes at 1st Rate Articles - new to the net as of November, 2006.

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