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Mrs. Jesus

Tom Hanks has been cast to star in the movie version of the best selling book, The Da Vinci Code, which has at it's core a conspiracy to hide the secret that Jesus - stop reading now if you don't want to know the secret - had a wife. This is not exactly news to a number of historians and is a bit of a rip-off of another popular book, Holy Blood, Holy Grail, which says that not only did Jesus have a wife, but he had children who then became ... the Holy Grail. Just read the book. It sort of makes sense the way they lay it out.

Nothing much has been written about the spouse of the Lord and if she'd managed to get her own Gospel, it was burned a long time ago. But I feel a lot of sympathy for this unknown wife, because it had to have been rough on her. Many women have husbands who think they can walk on water, but you know, poor Mrs. Jesus, her husband could. And I'll bet he just let he know about it, too. Didn't he? It must have been a drag for her to have to live with the absolute, perfect husband. After all, who wants to be around somebody who's right all of the time?

And talk about in-law problems? Mrs. Jesus had a father-in-law who,when he had a bad day, would go out and destroy the entire universe. Well, mostly. I guess he let Noah and some animals slip by. But he did destroy a lot of cities. My point is that Mrs. Jesus's father-in-law had some real anger management issues and was - to say the very least - something of a control freak.

Then, for the last three years of their marriage her husband takes off and goes on a long extended road trip with a bunch of his buds. Who was taking care of their kids? Did Mr. Jesus send back some money every now and then or was he a holy dead-beat dad? I'll bet it must have been a relief for his wife, frankly, to have Jesus out of her hair for a spell. I have to wonder how thoughtful and dutiful a husband he could have been when he was so preoccupied all the time with the salvation of all humanity. You'd have to think that their marriage took
a distant second.

Then, finally, she hears that her husband's been arrested and she has to go to Jerusalem with bail money.

Come to think of it, I'd rather just believe that Jesus was single all of his life now that I realize what kind of spouse he would have been.

About the Author: Steve Sommers new book, Evil Super-Villains Need Love, Too ... and other important wisdom, is available at
His novel, REXROI, is available at

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