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Taliban Infiltrates South Dakota Legislature

Where are the last vestiges of Afghanistan’s Taliban leaders hiding? Are they cowering in caves near the Pakistani border? Perhaps they own a condo complex in Karachi. More likely they are on a Dude Ranch in America’s Heartland.

Remember 1994? Religious fundamentalists overtook Afghanistan and trounced on that nation’s women with a vengeance. Being draped in a burga and beaten in the streets was standard fair. Most doctors were banned from treating women, and voting – no way!

Is history repeating itself? Last week in South Dakota religious fundamentalists passed a measure making it a felony for doctors to perform any abortion, except to save the life of a pregnant woman. No exceptions are made in cases of rape or incest. There was no state wide vote. Déjà vu!

Help for victims of religious extremism in Afghanistan was slow to come. Ultimately, refugee camps sprang up along the borders and women’s rights organizations broadcasted messages of support into the occupied country via short wave radio. Response to occupied South Dakota’s oppression is already being mounted. Refugee camps are springing up along borders with Dakota’s more open-minded neighbors, such as Mormonville, Nebraska and Laramie, Wyoming. Citizens of Redecktown, Missouri are collection CB radios to airdrop around Mount Rushmore.

South Dakota’s female population has had a mixed reaction to this Red States recent horrific legislation. When Republican Kellie Clueless was asked her opinion of legislative leaders forcing their will on the intimate lives of free American women she said, “Ah um da.”

Antiabortion activist, Betty Sue Backwoods was interviewed in the bikini wax isle at a Sioux Falls Wal Mart. Betty Sue was quoted as saying, “I think Rep. Roger W. Hunt is a stone-cold fox and I thank God he puts my religion over everyone else’s beliefs. That’s what makes America what it is to day.” Then she tossed her six children into the cart and sprinted off to check the balance on her EBT card.

Surprisingly, one well known Democrat supported the bill outright. Dr Wantmoremoney, owner of the Back Alley Abortion and Penicillin Clinic, in Pine Nut, SD made several lucrative donations across party lines to illustrate his new found love of Catholicism and loathing of the US Constitution.

As the controversy rages, America’s sons and daughters die and kill in Iraq. For what? To protect America from religious fanatics hell-bent on destroying individual freedoms this country was founded on. At least, that is what we are told. Yet, the US Army has not even begun reconnaissance operations around Deadwood.

Meanwhile, in Pierre, Governor Mike rounds added his input. "In the history of the world, the true test of a civilization is how well people treat the most vulnerable and most helpless in their society. The sponsors and supporters of this bill believe that abortion is wrong because unborn children are the most vulnerable and most helpless persons in our society. I agree with them," Rounds said in a statement.

When asked if perhaps a pregnant 12-year-old girl raped by her uncle might be a touch more vulnerable than a pin-sized glob of splitting embryonic cells, Rounds responded by trying to sell this reporter a new auto insurance policy. The policy came complete with the new SD mandated Terrorist Assault Vehicle Insurance attachment for an additional .00 per month. My own government now has a 78 Yugo better protected than my uterus.

As for the money that will be wasted fighting this rights-slapping legislation to the Supreme Court, the legislature has laid out a plan sell off more of the Black Hills to special interest corporations in order to finance this loosing battle.

Yes, is would appear the missing Taliban have been found. Religious fanaticism is alive and well in South Dakota. Privacy, individuality and freedom are D.O.A. Perhaps National Guard troops should be searching Jewel Cave in the Black Hills for Osama Bin Laden. It is suspicious that Governor Mike Rounds and Mr. Bin Laden have never been seen together in public. Could they be one in the same?

With each mystery answered a new question arises. For example, when wearing our denim burgas would South Dakota’s legislators prefer we women place rodeo buckles on the inside or out?

About the Author: Zoologist turned satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and coauthor/“primary scribe” of the political, self-help, satire Keeping the Masses Down. Her books are available everywhere fun books are sold, including More of Nola’s work can be read on her website at:

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