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Home for the Holidays: Top Signs You've Stayed Too Long

“There’s no place,” sang Perry Como, “like home for the holidays.” As we revel in the season’s warmth and good cheer, delighting in the musical clatter of our kitchen gadgets and celebrating the passing of another year, we can’t help but get closer to each other. Sometimes too close.

As a public service, then, enumerated below are the telltale signs that it just might be time to cut and run from your homecoming adventure.

1. NBC stands by its decision to call it a “civil war.”
2. Dad calls you an “embarrassment” when he’s able to pin you in a wrestling match in the mall parking lot.
3. Loss of car privileges for cursing at the dinner table.
4. Your latest plan to settle a middle-school-era feud with your little brother involves stuffing, women’s underwear, and your mom’s colander.
5. On a late-night mission to egg your tenth-grade math teacher’s house, you realize that he died twenty-eight years ago.
6. Still-available high school boyfriend thinks you’re “looking really good,” invites you to stop by his work at fat rendering plant.
7. Limited local nightlife allows you to memorize prices, ordering information for entire 2006 “As Seen on TV” product catalogue.
8. Kids inexplicably not fascinated by afternoon pilgrimage to the farm where a goat kicked out your front teeth at age twelve.
9. You’re uncomfortable with your spouse sleeping in your childhood bed, prefer to bring in “Mr. Binkey” and rest of stuffed animal collection.
10. Attempt to get even with high school bully backfires when retirement home staff discovers the laxative you slipped into his applesauce.
11. Parents not threatened by your promise to bring in a lawyer to negotiate allowance raise.
12. You’ve devised at least one hundred forty ways to inflict harm on yourself and others with kitchenware.
13. “Eccentric” neighbors you remembered actually just racists.

If you or anyone you know are experiencing any of the above, we advise purchasing a plane ticket immediately.

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About the Author: S. Tzirlin is a freelance writer with an interest in finding humor in the home.

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