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Cotton and the Teutonic Bottom
After years of arduous research and plowing through innumerable historical archives, I have arrived at an earth rumbling epiphany: All wars are started by men who wear wool underwear! Please breathe deeply; I realize that this news is stunning, but the evidence is irrefutable. Did Napoleon wear wool underwear? Yes, every time someone wanted to paint his portrait he had his hand inside his coat scratching like crazy. Attila the Hun, yes, Genghis Kahn, yes.
The following is an excerpt from one of Hitler’s most famous speeches: (with sweat pouring down his face, pounding the podium and whipping the crowd into a frenzy) “At this precise moment in history, our enemy’s envelope us on every side. At this very moment in time my woolen shorts are chafing my loins like ten thousand saber tooth crotch critters. This great Germanic Nation simply must have cotton! (The crowd of two hundred thousand patriotic Germans is hysterical with joy). We will invade Poland and Russia. We will bomb England. We will pitch a tremendous Teutonic temper tantrum until somebody finds me some cotton underpants!”
Did you ever see German soldiers March? I can assure you that no one invented the German “Goose Step;” it’s quiet simply the only way a human being can march with wool tormenting ones unfortunate loins.
Not all European peoples suffered like our unfortunate German brothers. The Scotts, for example, chose not to wear underwear. Furthermore, upon reflection, you well realize that never, not even once have the Scotts started a war. Quizzically pondering, if you were standing under a tree playing the bagpipes and enjoying a gentle summer breeze gently caress your loins would you start a war!? Even sheep say wool is a “baaaaad, baaaaad” thing and they invented it! Just imagine, when the Germans invaded France, if they had triumphantly entered Paris wearing kilts and playing the bagpipes and every time the wind kicked up, their Lilly white Teutonic backsides giggling in the wind, the war would have been over! The French and Germans could have all gotten drunk and sang a few songs and kissed and all gone home.
Oh, the suffering that wool has caused. But please don’t think that I am in any way pointing a finger at the Germans. My wife comes from wonderful German stock and the fact that I am alive to share my historical research is testimony enough that she wears only cotton underwear.
I could go on for days rehashing the unprecedented world suffering caused by wool. But to make an even more poignant statement, I will now illustrate how wool has helped to shape religion in America. Yes, religion in America. As you well know, the American north consisted of Puritans and Pilgrims. These poor unfortunate people believed that the body should be covered from chin to toe. That is good; modesty is a great and largely lost virtue, but sadly, the only fabric available was wool or wool or sometimes wool. So, summer time in Boston rolls around and its ninety degrees with ninety percent humidity and our little wooden church is filled shoulder to shoulder with smoldering wool clad Pilgrims. These people were so one hundred percent completely miserable that after church they would round up a pile of sticks and burn someone at the stake just so they could feel cool by comparison. Then one day a young Puritan woman received a gift of cotton underwear from a cousin down south. That Sunday as she sat in church she was so cool and comfortable that she was carried away in an ecstatic rapture. Unfortunately several parishioners noticed her ecstasy and concluded that she could only be a harlot of the lowest fringe of society. Then they made her wear a Scarlet Letter “A” for adultery on her breast for the rest of her life but she didn’t care because she had cotton underwear.
Meanwhile, down in the Carolinas the “Saints Go Marching In” dressed in one-hundred percent cotton; praising the lord, singing hallelujahs and eternal anthems, being carried away in pentecostal splendor and born again girded in the supernal and transcendent fabric of the South. Truly, Southerners were the happiest people to ever grace Mother Earth until some itchy sweaty wool bound politician from up north tried to pass a law that “all Americans must wear woolen underwear.” Thus, we return to my opening thesis; all wars are started by men who wear wool underwear.
In view of this staggering and irrefutable historical revelation, we should profoundly appreciate the supernal gift of cotton. (And Hanes should send me an enormous royalty check.)
We are all glad that we no longer find it necessary to wear uncomfortable apparel. There is hundreds of quality, comfortable apparel to choose from. From business wear to t-shirts you can find a variety of clothing that has undergone softening treatments such as the following methods:
Mercerizing thread or apparel is a process that softens the thread or the fibers of a piece of apparel.
The fibers of ring spun t-shirts and clothing are spun prior to weaving or knitting to create a softer feel.
Combed cotton is combed to reduce the number of short uneven fibers for a softer feel.
If the garment you are considering is marked with mercerized, ring spun, or combed cotton, you will know that it has undergone softening processes to make them more comfortable for you to wear.
About the Author: Kyle Crane is a Web copywriter for American Promotions Kyle likes to joke around and go golfing whenever the going gets tough! For more information about gifts and promotional products, please contact
American Promotions’ customer service.